ferret orthodontia.

for those of you who don't know, this is my sidekick, dexter:

as you can see, he's a pretty big fan of his first summer.

other things he is a fan of:

hopping all over my keyboard and messing things up so badly i've had to reboot and restart this post twice.

scratching the shiz out of my carpet.

sneaking his toys around my room like a drug lord.

treats.

more treats.

any sound that slightly resembles the crinkling of plastic because his instincts tell him that must be me getting him treats.

hissing and launching himself at any part of me that he can reach.

stealing/hiding all of my socks.

running through the house with my bras in his mouth.

scratching himself a ridiculous amount because apparently he is almost constantly itchy.

napping in every outlandish position you can imagine.

climbing into my laundry baskets and rolling around in my dirty clothes.

being adorable.

"worming:" a verb created for the times in his life when he's too tired to actually walk so he pretends he's a hairy snake for awhile.

all the napping.

and snuggling.

also, rubber and polly pocket clothes make him turn into a crazed lunatic so we avoid those at all cost.

believe it or not dex knows his name. he knows the sound of my voice. he has a special place for each of his toys and all the things he has stolen from me and made his own, and he does not like it when i move them around. he knows how to stand on his back paws, and is slowly but surely learning to give a high-five. he also has these little fangs that almost always poke out just a little, especially when he is sleeping, and they might be the most consistently hilarious thing in my life at this point. i never anticipated that a little creature could be so smart, have so much personality, and consume so much of my heart. now that you have fallen in love with my pet ferret, let's talk about what happens when that love goes a little too far.

sometimes dex and i have sleepovers at my parent's house. they live nice and close and some nights there's more going on there and/or i end up feeling too lazy to drive home. such was the case this last friday night. my ten year old little sister also has a ferret, dexter's love. her name is delilah and she's a lot like dex only a fraction of the size, less spastic, more curious, and she loves biting human feet. dex LOVES delilah. and he especially loves a night full of spooning with delilah in her hammock. saturday morning and went to retrieve him from his romantic evening and found this next to the sleeping lovers:

no, that does not belong to me, but yes that is a human retainer. A RETAINER. IN THE FERRET CAGE. and no, the ferrets did not steal it. it was placed in there for reasons that are beyond me and everyone involved. i'm sure the ferrets were more than thrilled to sniff and lick all over it, and then stash it away in their cozy little bed. i will admit, on more than one occasion i have found one of dexter's toys in my bed. but you're talking to the girl who once found a banana (unopened thank goodness) in her bed one morning. but a retainer?! good grief. on a scale of "my pet is neglected" to "my love for my pet is becoming disturbing" i think we've nearly hit the maximum. the only thing worse in my mind is that episode of the office when angela accidentally leaves her web cam open on her office computer when she goes home for lunch and everyone watches her cleaning (as in licking) all of her cats. my eyeballs nearly popped out of my head when i saw that, and i laughed so hard i nearly went into cardiac arrest. so much ew.

that being said, dex will be happily keeping his very tiny, crooked, bottom teeth and you can look forward to many more adventures with him.